If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
