I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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