That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
