Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
