That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
