wanna go halves on a baby?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?