im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records