I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
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You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
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i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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