The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
