My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
