i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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