i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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