Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
