How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
