The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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