Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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