I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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