Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
