Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
