I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She bit a glass in half.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
