I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
