My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
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by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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