Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
