I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
