I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Randomize
