Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
