its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
