He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
