literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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