You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
