found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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