i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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