so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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