my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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