"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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