Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
