I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
