And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
