The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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