I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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