genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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