First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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