So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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