i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
