I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
