Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
