We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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