Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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