trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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