so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
