apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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