i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
