Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
